Infernal Cake
by Kream45
Summary: Peach is baking a delicious cake for Mario. It's all burned. Mario doesn't want to hurt Peach's feelings and takes a small bite. Weird things start to happen when he does...
1. Unexpected plot twist

_/This story is somewhat vulgar (but not gross or anything like that) and may offend/confuse/weird out some people/_

Princess Peach was baking a delicious pie for Mario.

"I can't wait for Mario to try out this pie!", she said, "I really hope he likes it! Otherwise he can say goodbye to the sex we were going to have tonight."

Peach added some sugar, vanilla sugar, chocolate, grapefruits, donuts, Kool Aid and a special ingredient to the bowl. She mixed it all into one strange substance and poured it into a baking mold.

"Now let's just pump the heat up!" she said, while she was using a flamethrower to burn the dough into a crispy cake.

In the meantime, Mario was sitting with Luigi in the living room, playing Sonic on Playstation 5.

"Shit, this game sucks ass.", said Mario.

"Mario, you should be aware that the Sonic franchise is not meant to be good.", Luigi responded, "it's supposed to make little children addicted and turn them into mindless husks."

"Then why are we playing this?", Mario asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No fucking clue.", Luigi threw the controller into the TV screen, which exploded into tiny pieces.

"I really hope Peach doesn't bake me anything today.", Mario sighed, scratching his crotch.

"Why is that?

"Because her… pastries, taste like shit."

"How so? I thought you liked her pastries. Every time I'm here, she bakes something, gets you to eat it and you say it's gorgeous!"

"It's because when I compliment her, she's more likely to get all wild and shit in the bedroom later."

"Wat."

"Oh, come to think of it, why is that you always refuse when she offers you to eat her pastries?"

"Because my organism developed a rather dangerous diabetic disorder, which disallows me to eat sweets, and makes me have to keep an adequate sugar level in my organism. I also have to take insulin injections every once in a while, and I can't say it's a cheap medicine, but it gets the job done, and there aren't many things in this world more important than health, and a short moment of joy from eating something sweet is certainly not among them. That being said, you should be aware that I, your brother, was always vulnerable to diseases, as my immune system is rather weakly developed. But what can I say, I'm happy with my life and so everyone should be. People should have in mind, that a weak body doesn't exclude them from performing all the social activities, like sports, board games, solving interesting mathematical equasions, and having a healthy sexual intercourse with their partners."

As Luigi was speaking, Mario was listening carefully, thinking: "What the fuck is this idiot talking about?"

Then Peach came with a "cake".

"Hey guys, I finally finished that cake!", she smiled, "Let's have Mario to taste it first, shall we?"

Mario was sitting there, staring at the cake, which still had some black smoke coming out of it.

"Do I really have to?", Mario asked, "No mean to be rude, but it doesn't look really… edible."

"Come one Mario, what the fuck are you talking about?", Peach asked, smiling, "Well, maybe let me just scrape the charred pieces. Here, it's not burned at all now. Take it!", she cut a small piece of the cake and handed it to Mario.

Luigi looked at Mario, not knowing what to expect. Luigi only now truly noticed, that Peach can't bake for shit.

Mario really wanted some ass that night, so he took a small bite.

"Does it taste good?", Peach asked, "Just swallow it and let the sugary energy flow through your entire body!"

Mario swallowed it, trying not to pull a disgusted face. Then, he felt something. The floor beneath him started to quake. Some paintings fell off the walls.

"Mario, what's going on?", Luigi asked.

"It's the sugar energy!", Peach jumped happily, "He's going to unleash the power!"

Then, as the whole world was quaking like crazy, Mario released the energy, which came in a form of a very long-distance fart. He farted so hard, so fucking hard, that it blew Luigi out of the open balcony, who fell into the pond below.

"Yes! Yes! It's amazing!", Peach laughed like a maniac. The fart formed a ring, which opened a portal between Mushroom Kingdom and Hell.

"Come, Dark Lord! Come and let me serve you!", Peach yelled towards the portal, while countless armies of death, darkness and decay came through the portal, with Satan as their leader. They came into Mushroom Kingdom and started to destroy everything on their path.


	2. Things start to get really weird

Mario, who was lying on the floor, exhausted from that fart, slowly started to get up. Then he noticed the infinite army of Hell.

"Luigi!", he screamed, "Where are you? What the fuck is going on?!"

"I'm here, brother!", Luigi screamed, running towards him. "Peach turned out to be the Satan worshipper and she used that cake on you to make a portal between our world and Hell!"

"Oh shit, now it makes sense!", Mario started to connect clues, "That's why she had that pentagram tattoo on her left asscheek!"

"What? I didn't know she had a tattoo! I want to see it!"

"What the fuck, Luigi, it's the end of the world, and you only think of seeing Peach's ass!"

"It's not true!"

"Whatever, we have to think of some way to defeat Satan!", said Mario, but he was clearly out of ideas and it seemed like a hopeless situation.

Then, Luigi came up with a great idea.

"Mario! We have to pray for God to come and defeat the Evil!"

"What? You believe in God?"

"Well yeah, why the fuck not. You see Satan exists, so God should, too!"

"Yeah that makes sense! Let's perform a mass!"

Mario took out the Bible from the shelf and they started reading it out loud.

"It doesn't fucking work!", said Mario, who wanted to throw the Bible away, but he calmed down and gently, respectfully put it down on the shelf.

"Well, there is one last thing we can do.", said Luigi.

"What is that?", Mario asked.

"We have to leave this fucking Mushroom Kingdom and teleport to the Sonic world, whatever it's called."

"Luigi, do I look like a furfag to you?"

"Well…"

"Don't answer."

"We can always take Peach with us, to fulfill our sexual needs in the new world."

"Our?"

"What, what's wrong with that?"

"It's fucked up. Okay, whatever."

"Then let's kidnap her!"

Kidnapping Peach wasn't an easy task. They had to fight their way through countless monstrosities from the depths of hell (and by "fight" I mean run away like little bitches). Then, they had to trick Satan into looking the other way (by telling him there were some hot devil ladies behind him), and then, they grabbed Peach, put her into a bag and ran away.

"Luigi! But where's the portal to the Sonic world?!", Mario asked, while holding the bag with Peach kicking inside.

"Oh shit, I forgot!", Luigi gasped, "It's in Hell!"

"WHAT?!"

"Yes! It's true!"

"And Satan didn't invade Sonic world?"

"No, they're scared shitless of those furries!"

"Well good for us! Let's go!"

Mario and Luigi jumped into the portal to Hell. There were many devils inside, but mario wiped them out with a single fart. They saw a door with a sign on it, saying: "Warning! Furries ahead! Don't enter if you treasure your mentality!"

They jumped into the portal, which closed behind them, forever.

"Shit, Mario, we did it!"

"Yes! And now let us find some cozy cave, to perform a sexual intercourse with Peach."

Then Sonic and Tails came. Sonic looked at them.

"Hey, what the fuck, we just saw these guys in that lame-ass video game we just played, Tails!"

"Yeah! They must be Mario and Luigi! The most FAG video game characters of all time!"

Mario and Luigi laughed.

"I may agree that we're not very interesting video game characters.", said Luigi.

"And I may also agree that our games may be a little repetetive.", said Mario. "But if we were really gay, would we have this lady over here with us?"

Sonic and Tails looked at Peach, who came out of the bag.

"Dafuq?", Sonic looked at Peach, confused, "Okay, you're cool. Now that I see that you're straight, we can become friends."

"Yeah, I respect you.", said Tails.

"Hey, that's not fair!", Luigi responded, "Gay people are to be as much respected and tolerated as everyone else! You should be aware, that there were many famous homosexuals in the history of the universe, for example…"

"Okay, Luigi, I don't think anybody here wants you to talk all that scientific bullshit.", Mario sighed.

Peach looked at Sonic and Tails.

"Mario, why did you take us from the sweet, sweet hell I brought into the Mushroom Kingdom, into this… this… world?"

"Don't ask questions.", said Mario.

After some time, they all became friends. No, not friends with benefits, just very good friends. Mario and Sonic agreed that both of their franchises are wacky and overused, and Tails and Luigi agreed that that being a secondary character is as fun as being the main character.

Later, Mario blazed some weed, and had a vision, that God actually came to the Mushroom Kindgom, shortly after they came into Sonic's world, and destroyed all the devils and brought everyone back to life. But whatever. Mario learned he shouldn't have doubted in God's might. But in the end, it all ended happily anyway.

 **THE END**


End file.
